To the Editor:
As penance for losing the Timbermill Conditional Use Permit (CUP) hearing, here’s a letter I should have written long before now. This “freebie” will save Timbermill folks so much time and “honeys,” as my granddaughter calls money.
The U.S. Census Bureau says North Carolina (NC) has an estimated 5,168,052 housing units as of July 1, 2025. A 10X Timbermill upgrade would provide electricity for 470,000 homes per project, with 11 10X Timbermills apparently needed to power all NC residences.
Because “wind energy is free,” there won’t ever be a price tag! Another plus—each remodeled turbine uses a simulated 50 acres for each 6,000-foot-tall installation. (Compare to 1,838-meter Loser Mountain in Austria’s Dead Mountains chain).
Local Farms hosting turbines aren’t disrupted because a secret military Over the Atmosphere Retaliation (OTAR) system intercepts every sky object except friendly satellites and international space stations in order to protect a vulnerable Timbermill from fossil-fuel and wild bird attacks.
Turbine output of 420 MW every 460 minutes may require a modern Big Overwhelming Wind Lubricator/Slicer (BOWLS) permit rather than an antiquated CUP hearing. (Timbermill should wait for a democrat majority so there’s no possibility of opposition interference.)
“Godzilla” turbine blades at 2,420 ft. in length come embossed with a “Won’t ever be sharp enough to slice pork from any budget” label guarantee. Fortunately, turbine upgrades won’t be considered a “Major Modification,” as a previous CUP incarnation established.
A base, up to 750 feet in diameter and buried 120 feet deep, needs 19 fire trucks pumping 24/7/365 to keep the work area clear so workers can weave rebar before forming plywood walls to hold the foundation cement. Space stations will need refitting for zero-gravity cranes that lift and help install blades, tower and nacelle components.
Architects can design turbine bases into “micro homes” much like Cold War fallout shelters. (I always say, “Big corporations should take profit wherever they can find it!”) That said: “One man’s guaranteed 8% home sale loss is another transgender’s 8% savings.” Also, “One community’s economic loss is a Pilgrimage and Candlelight Tour tourism drain for another.”
Additionally, the half-life of rare earth generator magnet radiation decays quickly after it transfers to rainwater and is absorbed into the ground. True, unless El Niño winds travel through Chowan County again and dump oceans of radioactive rain into slow-draining surface pools.
Health issues should be dealt with by answering spamming healthcare callers sharing policies to resolve any diagnosis. (Good enough, but I’ve heard trading posts downtown pay cash for feathers recycled from fresh bird strikes.) Before long, mentioning jet-stream turbines and the problems become Alzheimer memories.
Considering Edenton’s colonial ancestors, their recent grave rolling exploits will dig up Edenton’s unspoiled environs. These zombies will crawl from their caskets seeking delicious Green Energy peeps and then herd-chomping any Nazi environmentalist shopper downtown wearing earth-friendly clothes. (Think cable TV episodes and merchandising possibilities!)
So, for now, don’t worry. Be happy! Decommissioning loss reconciliation is 29 years away.
Patrick Flynn
Edenton
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